Beginning A Journal

My ponderings over the last few weeks have led me to begin a journal to correspond with the beginning of the new year. After praying about exactly what type I would like, I chose this plain, hardbound book with unlined pages, and am almost giddy thinking of all the potential it and the year hold. I wanted to share with you the first entry I made in the journal, in case you, too, have been feeling led to begin one.

Being that this is my first attempt at keeping a journal, perhaps I should be nervous. Will I actually do it? Will I find this book in a cluttered box three years from now with no other writing save what lies here? Or could this be the first day that my life has a permanent record? Will these pages be the encouragement that I one day look back upon to know that my life was not spent in vain? I cannot know any of these answers now. I can only apply that tiny spark of hope to the tinder of this book and feed it with whatever there is within me of commitment and diligence to see it through.

Although this journal will house my thoughts, my feelings and my ideas…I dedicate it to the glory of YHWH alone. I pray that He will use it as a tool to help me find Julie, and in the process, know Him better. Whose I am is not in question ~ I have given my life to the One who gave it to me. Yet, there is a softly nagging question regarding who I am. I am Phil’s Bride and my children’s’ Momma to be sure, (and blessed I am to be such), but anything else seems to have somehow been lost along the way, assuming there ever was anything else. I am content with my role in life, but wonder if I can bring more of myself to it. Are there skills, abilities or inspirations lying dormant within me that, unearthed and nurtured, could bless my family and bring glory to YHWH? Have I buried my talents in the dailyness of life? These things remain to be determined.

There’s more, too. I want to remember. So much of my early years of motherhood and wifehood are lost forever…because my mind lacks any resemblance to a steel trap. How I long to go back and recapture those days when all my people were small, and soak it in ~ and remember ~ forever. In the fleeting moments of Now, I recognize that, lest it be written down somewhere, I am unable to recall all that happened last week, much less the last few years. I may not be able to recapture all that has transpired, but I can begin today, recording as-it-happens, all that is to be seen from this Momma’s knothole.

From the perspective I have, here in this linear reality called time, the year ahead is empty. YHWH is there, and knows the end from the beginning, but I have yet to walk there. I cannot tidy the mess of emotions about the coming year into a neat bundle. Some, like the fear of the unknown, are unruly, and must be coaxed into submission. Others, like the thrill of new beginnings, must be tamed so as not to outrun YHWH’s timetable. Yet, eagerness, trepidation, determination and uncertainty are carved deeply into my walking stick as I trudge forward to see what lies ahead...

Welcome, 2008. May you be filled with all that YHWH has planned.

Although I am unsure if and how I will fit journaling into life, I believe that even the thought processes and promptings that brought me to this point will not be in vain. Progress is good, when it is for His glory. So here's to blank pages, blank calendars and new beginnings!